Hey, it’s late and I can’t sleep, I just wanted to write to you a little ~ The other day when you came over for the first time in forever I was nervous and I didn’t know why. I was thinking of things to say and what not to say for a little small talk. I thought of a few things, then when you pulled up and I met you outside, I saw you and completely forgot how to say “hi,” and most of the things I was thinking left the building too. I was really happy to see you again. It was fun to just sit there and watch cartoons and laugh about dumb things. c:
I’m not sure where whatever we have is going but I wanted to share some thoughts. It’s not exactly easy for me to do that all the time, most of the time it’s hard to put my thoughts into words and they come out all weird and stupid haha. And I guess I’m sorry I sound strange and awkward and unfunny and repetitive when you talk to me. It’s just that I like you, and I can’t think or talk or function around all of that.
I sent that to a special someone late last night and I was soo shaken up leaving my feelings exposed like that. It took me about half an hour to write that and another 45 minutes trying to actually send it. When I finally sent it I couldn’t fall asleep and stayed up another hour asking myself why I sent it. I get like that a lot. I over think and worry myself sick. I like doing things like this in person because it’s more direct and whole-hearted, but it was burning inside me and it was at an almost aching stage to keep that to myself. I felt a certain distance starting between us and I didn’t want to wait and regret not taking the chance to send it to let it out.
I had a dream he replied, it was very well written and that was the start of something that I could be happy with. But of course it was just a dream. I woke up and was bothered by the fact that I was letting that affect me even in my dreams. I got online and checked but there was no reply. I felt anxious and started to doubt myself, something I’m very good at, so I was mentally preparing for a certain rejection. Well, I guess it’s not so much rejection that I feared, but having unrequited feelings is something I’m not too good at dealing with, especially if those feelings were once mutual.
The problem I had with sending this over a message online is not seeing his initial reaction, something that I like to experience whenever I can. I can tell a lot by the reaction before, during, and after things like that are said. It’s sort of closure for me. Worries are recognized and dismissed almost in an instant. I get a feeling of either comfort or distress and I’m more prepared just by reading the other person. Most importantly, it’s honest. There are no shading feelings that are in the moment. No “comfort zones” to fall back on to hide more of the truth, so that more of what is said is authentic.
You’re so adorable, DePrise.
That’s all he said. I’m sort of sighing in my bed right now. Now I have a feeling I overwhelmed him a little. I mean, a lot of those feelings have already made themselves apparent the many times we saw each other and kissed good night, so it really isn’t all that too much to take in, is it? I get that he’s a guy and they don’t express themselves as well, I get it, I do. But ahh! I need a tiny bit more than that. My thoughts are irritating in times like these, it makes it so that this can’t be explained conventionally. I feel like I’m in such a weird jaded situation.
A reply that I can count on one hand with is troubling my analytical Virgo mind.